Wishing terribly that you were still here. If only i was older then, maybe things could possibly have been different in so many ways. I could have been enlightened, i could have been changed earlier, or at least progress could have started earlier rather than now. Everything’s haywire now. And it seem so difficult to reach out because of my inadequacies.

I sometimes forget half way through crying the reason i started, i could even question and  judge my own sincerity if i was shedding crocodile tears. I’m confused as whether i’m numb emotionally, but that doesn’t seem right as I still find myself getting entangled in emotional storms easily, or is it that I’ve been crying like a river so often my being became so accustomed it lost genuineness?. Tell me, what am i? because i cant decipher myself.

No words could suffice to comfort me in these moments. You were more than what you are, the unconditional care and impartiality makes me miss you even more dearly.

life’s hard without you. If only i were older and wiser, at least I could have the chance to inquire, and maybe, just maybe, i could have touched you to save my wrecked soul.

Every passing day is a battle for me. All the decision i’ve made thus far are nothing but poor and erroneous or atrocious. Those i see myself living to regret for the coming future. I’m devastated and i wish no one but you could be here to comfort and guide me in specific steps onto the right path again.

If ever i make it, I wish to be able to greet and meet you and maybe we could have a proper conversation.

The only constant i had my whole life,

I truly miss you.

okay, my mum just walked in on me and asked if my study life is pressuring. LOL. like to a certain extent it is, but that’s just it. My studies isn’t the constant irritation of my emotions, or life (if i should put it properly), most of life things are accountable for it (LOL, again). I can’t give a straight answer because it was a yes or no question, i just kept silent about it. I think it was best left like this. I couldn’t imagine the continuity of the conversation. It would only be a baseless initiative stemmed from my dishonesty.

I still love you, mummy. Your care is much appreciated!


An inexpressible child.

i guess its all about shielding myself from negativity. Maintaining a positive perception is quite a difficult task if everywhere you turn, every time your eyes bats open to see are things that makes you curse and contend within your heart. its a constant inner struggle to ignore these negativity, be it the thoughts, the view, to remind yourself of the possible hope, of the possible better tomorrow you’ll one day get to live in.

I don’t know how others coup with such predicament, but you guys are warriors of life, that’s for sure. Because you are able to encourage inner strength for positive mindset, you are able to self motivate and perhaps, motivate others along the way. If i could say a word, you guys are champion. You never stop believing, even when life breaks down on you, you kept pushing and thrive bolder and come back stronger. That’s what i admire of you, because that’s something i often see myself get defeated all the time. And it’s like life vs me.

Even when i stand amidst the strongest, i still fall. I don’t know how to build that unshakable foundation, where my emotion and feelings never swayed with the wind or the constant negativity around me. I want to keep focus and keep pushing and thriving until i get where i want and need to be. I don’t want to keep talking, i want to action all that I told myself to and be discipline to keep my priorities right,

Because winners never quit, and quitters never win.

Life is tough when you are loaded with empty pockets. Like how the fuck does one builds a family without money. I can’t stand being so fucking poor, yet I still cant figure out how to earn money as a full time student. I thought of working full time and studying part time. But I can’t. I have other more important commitment plus that means I will graduate slower. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO IN MY LIFE! LIKE THERE’S NO ONE I CAN TALK TO! Even if I wanted to seek advice I dont seem to have access.

i need a trainer. 

Specifically, a squatting, benching, deadlifting trainer. OH, and a spotter also to watch my form.

Sucks i can’t even find one. :(

Sis is busy as heck, no one could look out for me, let alone teach me. I’m afraid i might injure myself if i try it on my own. 

There’s so much negativity in my life it’s pretty hard to break out of it. I’m not doing my level best at things i have control over, and that’s really my biggest blow. I should really step up.

As we speak on this matter, just realise some problems probably aren’t mine to solve. Like there’s this one person, who’s such a constant negative influence. It’s as though everything just rumbles down when that presence exist anywhere near me. There isn’t permanent joy and peace whenever he/she’s around. What sucks more is that there’s no way of getting rid of it.

I could only find strength and hope to better myself with the positivity that i so have right now, that hopefully, one day, i could grow out of it. Bringing those that deserves much more with me, with the accumulated ‘wealth’ and have a better life. Because nothing permanently good comes forth from where i am currently standing.

It seems like i’m pointing fingers at others than myself, but to be honest, i’m  also one of my own source of problems. I really seriously have to get the fuck out of my zone and do the right thing. 

LIKE GEEZ REALIZE YOU’RE YOUR OWN PROBLEM. you can only blame so much, but deep down I’m my own problem. 

you know what? I’ll fucking break through this steel. Because when it all seems impossible, it’s always possible. on the surface of things, damn hell it looks difficult, but I’m going forward. Because as the saying goes, nothing good ever comes from looking back and nothing good comes from stagnantly bitching.

One day, just one day i would like to make it big out there. Not just for myself, but those that deserved more than i do.